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Saturday 29 December 2012

My wife


Wrong number


A married couple had just crawled into bed on night when the phone started to ring. The man got up to answer it, "How the hell should I know, that's a thousand miles away!" he exclaimed before slamming down the receiver. "Who was that?" asked a puzzled wife. "I don't have any idea," said the husband. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast is clear."

My wife is expecting


"How does Jeeto like being pregnant?" Santa asked his friend Banta. "Oh, she's not pregnant," Banta replied, "she's expecting." "What's the difference?" Santa pressed. "Well," Banta explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."

The honest


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Fastest worker


A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job. The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day. He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had." The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?" The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

Powerfull laxative


This guy goes to the doctor after being constipated for two weeks. The doctor prescribes a heavy-duty laxative and tells him to take two when he gets home. The guy goes home to his fourth story apartment, pops two of the pills and lays down for a nap. When he awakens he finds that the laxative is so powerful that he has relieved two weeks worth of blockage all over the bed as he slept. Totally disgusted the man toils over what to do with the mess and finally decides to bundle up the sheets and pitch them out the window. About this time a wino comes walking along still hung-over from the night before and splat! The sheet lands Right Square on his head. After struggling for a few minutes the wino gets free of the sheet and as he's standing there looking at it, a policeman strolls up after seeing him wrestling with it. "What's going on here?" inquires the officer. "I'm not too sure," replies the wino "but I'm pretty sure I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Wet dreams


Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night. "Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked. "Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee.' "OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, No, we've already peed." Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So, did you do as I said?" "Yes, I did." "Did it help?" "No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse." "How?" "As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little.'"

Miracle doctor


A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." "Jar number 43?" Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. "That will be $100." So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Loving wife


I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," he replied. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

The uro tunnel


When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates were in the millions of pounds. One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however. "Considering equipment and labour cost," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?" "It's simple," the contractor replied, "my partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and start digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!" "But what if you never meet?" "Then you've got TWO tunnels!"

Halloween vamps


Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders, "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampiresaid, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light"

Marriage revenge


Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson, "But I want you to." Wife, "But why?" Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

Will you merry me


A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! Who's this?"

Like a baby


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, 'John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' John says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Looking cool husband


Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return." He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car" She text back, "OMG really?" Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

Free at last


God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered. Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"

Mess with old people


George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available.

Practice session


A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

Deep trouble


Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview. The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had. The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked? Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet." The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!" On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in. The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before? Santa says, "Oh sure." The boss asks how deep underground he worked. Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground." The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?" Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

Good news


The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

Misbehaving johnny


Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Merriage advice


At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Healthfull place


Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in New Delhi. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the cabbie replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

Wait til the last moment


A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Most wanted


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

The sunday edition


An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was. "Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

The paintings


A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon. Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125. So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other. "It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting. "You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."

Blonde commit suicide


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

When death come


Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..." The guy said,"But I am not ready!" Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..." So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?" Death said, "All right..." The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list. When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."

Blonde and the barking dog


A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"

Impolite child


Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!

Littel johney craying


Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Get your self train


Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train. Your Son Nasser Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad: Loving son, Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too. Your Dad

Wieght scale


At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. 'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'

Water in carburetor


"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

Friday 28 December 2012

Two brazilians


A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

The lunatic driver


One morning a blonde's husband was watching the traffic report on TV. They were talking about some maniac who was driving along the highway in the wrong direction and disrupting traffic He knew his wife would be on that highway on her way to work and he didn't want her to get hurt, so he called her to let her know. "Honey, watch out this morning, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way up the highway" he said. Sounding terrified, she replied, "It's not just one!"

No more kids


A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?" The woman answered, "Four." The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George." Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?" "Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

Thankfull santa


Santa shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will". "That is very kind of you", said the doctor emotionally and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change".

Caught on the wrong foot


A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man", the priest replied. "Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father", the drunk said and added, "I just read in the paper that the Pope does".

The sane advice


Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes. Lady: How many packs? Man: 3 packs daily. Lady: How much is per pack for your brand? Man: $ 8 a pack. Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: Almost 18 years. Lady: So one pack costs $ 8 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $ 720. In one year, it would be $ 8640. Correct? Man: Correct. Lady: If in 1 year you spend $ 8640, you collectively spent $ 155,520. Correct? Man: Correct. Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 18 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No. Man: Where's your freaking Ferrari then?

Corruption case


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Overbooked flight


In an airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced: "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

Pray for my hearing


Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? " Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?" Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

Lost in translation


A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away. The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good". On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the reach man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!

Dai another day!


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the the operating table. she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live". Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and complete make-up. Since she had so much time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognise you"!

Soccer fans


4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver". The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest". The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry"!

Driving habits


One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old son and beeped his car horn by mistake. He turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident". He replied, "I know that, daddy". He replied, "How'd you know?" The boy said, "Because you didn't say ASSHOLE afterwards"!

Family trip


After a family meal one night, three generations of the family are sitting around chatting. Jenny, a four year old, is sitting on her grandfather's knee. Jenny: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?" Grandfather: "What?" Jenny: "Can you make a noise like a frog?" Grandfather: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?" Jenny: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all go to Disneyland."

Robber's mask


A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

Woman gossip


A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop. , One day they were sitting very very quietly. A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet. He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

Coffee gossip


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'is her'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"

Side effects of alcohol


Side effects of alcohol.... and remedies!!! 1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet. Cause- Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet). Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward... 2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights. Cause : You're lying on the floor. Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor. 3. Symptom- The floor looks blurry. Cause : You're looking through an empty glass. Cure: Quickly refill your glass! 4. Symptom: The floor is moving. Cause : You're being dragged away. Cure: At least ask where they're taking you! 5. Symptom-You hear echoes every time someone speaks. Cause : You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it. Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself! 6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny. Cause : You're in the wrong house. Cure -Ask if they can point you to your house. 7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive. Cause : You're in an ambulance. Cure- Don't move. Let the professionals do their job!!!!

Spell bee


Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Dear boby jesus


A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

Grandpa and granddaughter


Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled. She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" 'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied. "Well, did Godme?` she asked. "Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered. She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

The back pics


Bear hunters


Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with p. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

Bob the chicken


Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling "BOB, wake up, goddammit. You just shit the bed!"

The guide dog


A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog. The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog." The blind man turned to me and said, "No, I'm going to thoroughly kick that dog's butt. I'm just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which."

Just like my wife


A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Baba mera pani kab sudhrega


जीतो: बाबा मेरा पति कब सुधरेगा? बाबा: पति को लाये हो? जीतो: नहीं। बाबा: कोई बात नहीं, अपना ब्लाउज खोलिये। जीतो: पर क्यों? बाबा: पति के हाथ की रेखा देखनी है।

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